A very simplistic definition of red flag is this: “A red flag is behavior that indicates that a partner or potential partner does not suit you. Easy to understand, right? And should we consider a red flag as a gift to us to be wary and to pay attention? YES!! But what happens when the red flag isn’t about them and more about you?
When YOU ignore the red flags, you start lying to yourself about who that person really is so that you don’t have to face losing them. When we choose to ignore the warnings, we end up dishonoring ourselves. We diminish our self-worth and start believing that we deserve whatever treatment is coming our way because now, we are invested in making the relationship work. We continue lying to ourselves with thoughts like, maybe I am overreacting, or maybe I misunderstood, or maybe this one red flag doesn’t outweigh all of the other things we like about this person. How many times have you, or someone you know, chosen to ignore the red flags and then suffered? Well the truth is most of us have at one time or another ignored a red flag so don’t think it’s just you.
There are ways to salvage a relationship if you see a small red flag, but it takes clear communication. You must express your concerns and why you have them. If your partner minimizes your concerns, that is a HUGE red flag. If you are bringing up something small and they dismiss you, can you imagine how it will go when it’s a big red flag??
It is also time to be very honest with yourself. Why are you willing to allow this type of behavior? If you think you deserve this type of behavior from anyone, then you need to get help with working on your self-worth. We all are worthy of good treatment from the people we love.
Here are some red flags that should never be ignored.
• Being dishonest
• Not keeping their word
• Not having empathy
• Any kind of abuse and violence (emotional, physical, or sexual)
• Does not respect your time (e.g. always cancels last minute)
• Tries to isolate you from your friends and family
• Does not respect your boundaries (e.g. keeps convincing you to agree with what they want)
• Over-controlling behavior
• Inability to resolve conflicts together
• Tries to manipulate you (gaslighting)
• Constant jealousy/lack of trust
Next time a red flag pops up, ask yourself this question. Am I willing to sacrifice my well-being for this person? If the answer is yes, call me or another professional to help you get a healthier sense of self. One that is worthy of being treated with the respect and honesty that you deserve.